So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
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We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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