after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
