Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
