when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
