kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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