I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
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