3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Randomize
