I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
