laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
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