somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
