Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
