2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
