margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
