Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
