pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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