Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
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