I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
