Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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