Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
