I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
