mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
He did a backflip because drugs
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
