i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
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