my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
