omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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