the new term for farting is butt boxing.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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