Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize