I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
We have so much sex to catch up on
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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