her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
