Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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