I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
