I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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