What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
