I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I don't deserve a penis
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
