What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
