my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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