Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
