Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
