so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
