Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
