If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
