Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
