I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
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