I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
