My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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