...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
