I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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