I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
