just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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