just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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