Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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