Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
