just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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