I can tuck mytits in my pants
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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