I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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